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Todoroki, Sat 22nd November.
I still don't know what the 'H' stands for in H United, but at a few minutes before noon last Saturday it could well have been "Howthefcukdidthathappen?", as they trudged off the Todoroki dirt field having lost on penalties to a heroic Albion Old Boys team who played most of the game with just nine men.
The last time the Old Boys played on this pitch we showed up short of players and got spanked by a trio of college girls wearing... Whoops! Wrong train of thought there, Tel. ... we showed up short of players and got spanked by Stoneds FC, a fit and skillful Japanese side. H United, being one of the two non-TML teams in this year's cup, were a totally unknown quantity, but as the the nine Albion players watched their opponents' impressive warm-up it looked as though similar outcome would be inevitable. Still, we had to give it a go, and having rejected the 8-0-0 option, we decided to start with a 4-3-1 formation that under the circumstances seemed positively flamboyant. Fifteen minutes in, and though H United had had almost total control of the football and the game was being played almost exclusively in the Old Boys half, Albion custodian Kouka had yet to be seriously tested. Then the first shock, as the Old Boys finally managed to get some support up to lonely makeshift striker Andrew Morrison. Cyrille broke from midfield, exchanged passes with Andrew to slice through the H United defence, then tucked away his shot with more élan than the Mayfair Lotus showroom. Magnifique. Five minutes later the gobsmacked H United players became the ggoobbssmmaacckkeedd H United players as Andrew, totally outnumbered as usual, battled for the ball with his back to goal just inside the opposition half. Flicking the ball around his nearest marker, he let it bounce, then from what, 40 yards out? unleashed a looping howitzer of a left foot volley which caught the United keeper totally unprepared on the edge of his box as it screamed over his head and into the net. One of the best goals I've seen in ages. Well now the Old Boys really had the scent of a famous victory filling their wrinkly nostrils, and they set about defending their lead with such grim determination that by half time H United had still only mustered one serious strike on goal. It was a classic display of how to play nine against eleven. Keep it narrow, concede space anywhere you think there's no immediate danger, and scrap like terriers every time you have to. Which is basically all the time. Still it has to be said that H United didn't exactly give a model display of how to utilize a two-man advantage. Rather than use the space we were conceding out wide, spread the play and get round the back of our defence, they kept trying to play through the middle, and they kept finding their way blocked.
The harried-looking figure on the motor scooter who hove into view just before half-time turned out to be the AWOL Albion supremo Karl Twohig. The proffered excuse that he had been having his photo taken was so bizarre that puzzlement displaced the wrath he might have faced from his disgruntled troops. So the 4-3-1 was upgraded into a 4-4-1, but the pattern of play didn't change very much as the over-exertions of the first half began to take an increasing toll on the Albion players. And the numerical disadvantage was more or less restored to its first half level as midfield dynamo James Moon fell victim to a groin strain which greatly limited his range of movement. Still, he'd put in more of a shift in just one half than most players do in a whole game, and even with a much smaller zone to operate in he was still a hazard to any United ball carrier that came within range, though more like a landmine than the heat-seeking missile of the first half. So plenty of reasons why the Old Boys were still up against it, and another one was added when United pulled one back with a quickly taken free kick that sailed into an empty net while Kouka was at the post lining up the still back-pedalling wall. The sort of play that would be hailed as a deftly-executed piece of quick thinking if we'd done it, but has to be roundly condemned as sneaky under-handedness because they did it. The goal restored for H United the bit of belief they'd been lacking since going two down, and it wasn't long before they'd got themselves back on level terms with a smartly taken finish that gave Kouka no chance.
 There then followed a siege of Stalingrad proportions that definitely seemed to last for a winter or two, but the Old Boys held firm till the final whistle eventually blew, and gave themselves another chance to win it via penalties. Tel, Andrew, Rod and Harmony all dispatched their kicks safely. Kouka kept guessing correctly on the H United kicks, and after a couple of nearly-saves he finally managed to get a great block on penalty number 4. So it was all on Andy Milner, and the big fella made no mistake, slotting home the penalty that sealed a memorable win. Who's next?
Report by Terry Cooney
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